Pre-Engagement
What in the world is pre-engagement?
Pre-engagement is that time when a couple is getting serious about a relationship and even talking about marriage, but they haven't made any commitments to one another yet. Even though they have shared hopes and dreams and discussed the possibility of being married, they haven't made that decision.
Pre-engagement is the BEST time to ask some serious and probing questions. It does little good to ask probing questions once a decision to be married is made, plans are made, invitations are made, dresses are bought, etc, etc. Once all that happens most couples go through with a wedding whether they are really suited for one another or not. Getting Pre-marital counselling is a great idea, however IF there are some serious problems, it's better to know about them even before getting engaged. That's what this page is about; probing into some areas that might be sensitive so that you can make a good decision.
So go ahead and ask the questions. It is better that you know now so that you don't face frustration down the road. You might think you know how your boyfriend or girlfriend will answer, but then again, you might be surprised. Some of these questions will lead to other questions that are not listed here. The point is to communicate and to be clear. Give it a shot. One word of warning: don't rush through these as though it is a checklist. Take your time. Maybe cover one area each night or even each week. Don't rush through it and tell yourself everything is fine.
It would also be a good idea to not only discuss these among yourselves, but also with your pastor or a married couple that can serve as a mentor for you.
So, without further adieu, here are some topics and questions you can cover:
Pre-engagement is that time when a couple is getting serious about a relationship and even talking about marriage, but they haven't made any commitments to one another yet. Even though they have shared hopes and dreams and discussed the possibility of being married, they haven't made that decision.
Pre-engagement is the BEST time to ask some serious and probing questions. It does little good to ask probing questions once a decision to be married is made, plans are made, invitations are made, dresses are bought, etc, etc. Once all that happens most couples go through with a wedding whether they are really suited for one another or not. Getting Pre-marital counselling is a great idea, however IF there are some serious problems, it's better to know about them even before getting engaged. That's what this page is about; probing into some areas that might be sensitive so that you can make a good decision.
So go ahead and ask the questions. It is better that you know now so that you don't face frustration down the road. You might think you know how your boyfriend or girlfriend will answer, but then again, you might be surprised. Some of these questions will lead to other questions that are not listed here. The point is to communicate and to be clear. Give it a shot. One word of warning: don't rush through these as though it is a checklist. Take your time. Maybe cover one area each night or even each week. Don't rush through it and tell yourself everything is fine.
It would also be a good idea to not only discuss these among yourselves, but also with your pastor or a married couple that can serve as a mentor for you.
So, without further adieu, here are some topics and questions you can cover:
Matters of Faith
Do you share the same faith? By that, I'm not asking if you have the same denominational interests (although that would be a good idea), but even within the same denomination, there are wide varying degrees of the role of faith in a person's life. What I 'm asking is, what place does your faith have in your life? What place does it have in the other's life?
Matters of Character
Matters of character look at who the person really is; deep down, not just on the surface. What makes up the person? What drives him or her? What unshakable convictions and practices does he or she hold? Often times people get married thinking they will change the character of their spouse. That doesn't happen. These are questions you need to ask yourself about the person you are interested in.
Matters of Family Background
You may have a hard time believing it now, but your family background, and the family background of your boyfriend or girlfriend will have a huge impact on your future relationship.
Matters of Finances
Money is one of those things that doesn't necessarily make or break a relationship, but if there are any cracks in a relationship, financial matters will most likely serve a devastating blow.
Matters of Fidelity
Faithfulness to someone doesn't just happen because you wish it to be so. While, when you are "young and in love" the thought of being unfaithful would never cross your mind, statistics tell a different story.
Practical Matters (Matters of the Future)
The nitty gritty details of life can surprise you. Some of these might seem like insignificant issues right now, but in the future, they can be very important.
One more web site to review: Questions to Consider Before You Get Engaged (Christian Broadcasting Network).
Finally, see my page on Weddings (for more information as well as links)
Do you share the same faith? By that, I'm not asking if you have the same denominational interests (although that would be a good idea), but even within the same denomination, there are wide varying degrees of the role of faith in a person's life. What I 'm asking is, what place does your faith have in your life? What place does it have in the other's life?
- Are you both Christians? Have you made a personal commitment to Jesus Christ? Do you believe that He died for your sins?
- Is church something you go to or is it something you are a part of?
- Typically, do you go to church on a regular basis? What about your girlfriend / boyfriend?
- What are some reasons why it would be OK to miss going to church?
- Which of you is the spiritual leader? What makes you believe you are right (how has this been shown)? How do you both feel about that?
- Do you intend to go to mid-week studies? How about Sunday morning Adult Bible study?
- Are you serving or will you be serving in some capacity? How does your boyfriend / girlfriend feel about that? Will he or she be likewise involved?
- Are there some matters of faith that you do not agree on? Are they important matters of faith?
Matters of Character
Matters of character look at who the person really is; deep down, not just on the surface. What makes up the person? What drives him or her? What unshakable convictions and practices does he or she hold? Often times people get married thinking they will change the character of their spouse. That doesn't happen. These are questions you need to ask yourself about the person you are interested in.
- Is your girlfriend or boyfriend really ready to be married? Is he/she mature? Can he/she handle stress?
- Is your girlfriend or boyfriend a person of principle? Do they hold firm convictions that are not easily shaken?
- How does this person treat his family? Are they there for their family? Does he or she show respect for their family?
- Which is more prominent: Selfishness or Sacrifice? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend display an attitude of selfishness or an attitude of sacrifice? Not just towards YOU, but towards others - particularly how does he or she treat those who have no connection to him/her? For example, a cashier at the store?
- Can you honestly say that the person you are interested is a person of integrity? How do you know? What examples have you seen?
- The Bible talks about the "Fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-23). Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness. Have you seen these in your person of interest? Are they consistently seen? Which are strengths, which are weaknesses?
Matters of Family Background
You may have a hard time believing it now, but your family background, and the family background of your boyfriend or girlfriend will have a huge impact on your future relationship.
- Do you come from a close knit family? What about your girlfriend / boyfriend?
- Has there been divorce in either of your family of origin? What is/was your parent's marriage like?
- What role will your parents have in your life once you are married? Are you really ready to "leave your father and your mother"? What does that even mean?
- Has there been abuse or neglect in your past? Has there been counselling to help with this?
- What kind of discipline was there in your home growing up? What are your ideas of disciplining children?
Matters of Finances
Money is one of those things that doesn't necessarily make or break a relationship, but if there are any cracks in a relationship, financial matters will most likely serve a devastating blow.
- What is your financial picture like? What do you expect it to be like in the near future? Do you have a budget? How will you make ends meet?
- What do you think of "buy now, pay later"? What do you think of debt?
- Will both of you be working? Will both of you be working if/when there is a young child at home?
- Will you be tithing? If so, what priority does it have? In other words, is it your first 10% or your last 10%? If funds get low, will you continue to tithe?
- Will it be "his money" and "her money" or will it be "our money"?
- How do you feel about buying used furniture or appliances?
Matters of Fidelity
Faithfulness to someone doesn't just happen because you wish it to be so. While, when you are "young and in love" the thought of being unfaithful would never cross your mind, statistics tell a different story.
- Have either of you been sexually active? What are your views on that?
- Have either of you had issues with pornography? If so, what help have you received or what steps (accountability) have you set up?
- What steps will you take to maintain proper boundaries with members of the opposite sex after being married?
- What steps will you take to maintain proper boundaries with your boyfriend / girlfriend before you are married?
Practical Matters (Matters of the Future)
The nitty gritty details of life can surprise you. Some of these might seem like insignificant issues right now, but in the future, they can be very important.
- Who will cook supper? Who will clean house? Who will take care of various chores?
- Is one of you going to continue their education? What impact will that have on your marriage?
- What about children.... do you plan (hope) to have any? If so, how many? When would you hope to start your family?
- How do you feel about daycare?
- Where will you celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving?
- What hobbies do you have? How will you make sure your hobbies don't turn into neglect of your spouse to be?
- Will you have "family devotions", if so, who will lead them?
One more web site to review: Questions to Consider Before You Get Engaged (Christian Broadcasting Network).
Finally, see my page on Weddings (for more information as well as links)